It’s a Grace Van Cutsem sort of day…


Grace Van Cutsem, the tiny frowning bridesmaid at The ol’ shindig Kate and Wills had back in April 2011.

She is one of my biggest heroes  and the archetypal poster girl for days when really, you just want to have a whine and a moan and really C.B.A to be nice.

As today is officially Grace Van Cutsem day, I present, my top five list of annoyances:

  1. The smell of fake tan- On a crowded train, at bitchy o’clock in the morning, there is nothing more gag-inducing than the wonderful smell of fake tan. A truly grotesque combination of smelly socks, month-old biscuits and rusty copper, why anybody would ever subject themselves and others to this wonderful scent is beyond me. People spend millions on this stuff, just look around at the pasty/orange faces around you. Why oh why have the cosmetic companies not found a way to make this vile stuff smell like blueberries yet?
  2. People who live their dramas through Facebook/Twitter- Social Media is a precarious platform that seems to invite the most self-indulgent members of society to air their dirty linens in public while hunched behind a computer screen in a dark room. It buggers my mind beyond belief when I log on and read statuses like “OMG Can’t believe some people in the world…whatevs im over it, lets go out and party girls” or tweets like “People are so hurtful sometimes wow today has been eye opening”. If I poked my eyeballs out with a fork (as I am often inclined to do) upon reading this garbage, I would be on my seventy fifth set of fake eyes by now. Firstly, buddy, the thinly veiled attempts at being “subtle” are not fooling anyone, we all know your scumbag boyfriend was a scumbag once again or that your love/hate relationship with your sister is more hate than love; who are you kidding, really? Also, and more importantly, WHO in the name of all that is noble and not full of shit GIVES a Fudge.Under.Cool.Knife? Keep your drama to yourself and post happy Instagram’d pictures of your cute puppy instead.
  3. Cheapskates- Right, this is probably my biggest gripe ever and a guaranteed sure-fire way to earn my utter disdain. I am by no means Miss Moneybags, and never have been, but miserly cheapskates turn me into a right mardy bum. I can’t stand people who drive Italian Supercars, wear snazzy custom-made suits and yet cough and guffaw when they have to fork out a fiver to contribute to the Office Cake Fund and yet scoff down the Krispy Kremes like the best of us. I know we’re in a recession, people should all be watching their pennies, but really, I hate people who are cheap. There I said it.
  4. Little bits of crap in between my keyboard- It is gross enough I have about four weeks of desk-chained lunch crumbs hiding and practically cackling with evil bacteria-filled laughter, what’s worse is no amount of scraping, squishing, squeezing, poking dislodges any of the tenacious buggers. Answers on a postcard on how to have a clean (and hygienic) workspace please, I’m convinced my keyboard is breaking me out in hives.
  5. Geographically superior Nonces- You know, I get it really. Dubai vs. Abu Dhabi, London vs. Up Norff, NYC vs. LA, Mumbai vs. Delhi, Yorkshire vs. Lancashire, , Jo’burg vs. Cape Town…geographical rivalries have existed since time immemorial. As a citizen of the world, and a proud resident of more places than fit on a small piece of paper, it truly disturbs me when people get all  superior  about where they live. I understand pride and joy in your home town or where you live, but I don’t get this new wave idea that to justify you live in the greatest city/country/town/village on Planet E, it must mean everywhere else is a shit hole. This jaunty put-others-down attitude pisses me right off.

The above list is by no means exhaustive, but really the main things that are making me want to go renegade, Grace Van Cutsem style and just cover my chubby hands over my little ears and put on a proper moany face.

A quote that pretty much sums up life:

“Some people deserve a high five…in the face…with a chair.”- Anonymous

May stamping feet, smoke out of ears and wrinkly frowns always be with you,

If I had six minutes to live, I’d write a little faster xxx



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